According to the song, Christmas time is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year.” But that’s not how it felt for Janice.
Janice has been feeling, well, pretty blue. And she couldn’t figure out why. She’s got a job (thank heavens!) in this volatile economy, lots of family and loved ones to spend the holidays with … so why so sad?
On December 22, Janice decided to take a leisurely walk after dinner in her neighborhood to take in the holiday decorations. She thought maybe the cheery sights might improve her mood.
Janice found herself smiling after a couple of blocks. Then she found herself looking into the window where the family cat, a big Maine coon, all but blocked the view of the family’s Christmas tree.
Tears started flowing freely down her face. She felt like someone had just kicked her in the gut. And for the next few hours, Janice experienced an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness. Where did that come from?
When she had calmed down Janice realized that Dec. 22 was the one-year anniversary of the death of her precious cat, Buddy. He had been her constant companion for 17 years. And she still missed him.
Janice experienced an “anniversary reaction,” a term described by Laurel Lagoni, co-founder and former director of the Argus Institute at Colorado State University’s Veterinary Teaching Hospital. Lagoni explains anniversary reaction as “an increase in distressing memories and feelings due to a ‘time cue’ that is associated with a traumatic or upsetting event.”
And it can happen anytime, and anywhere.
“Anniversary reactions can stir up old feelings and memories and make it seem like a painful loss has just occurred all over again,” says Lagoni.
Coping mechanisms
Luckily, once you’ve identified the feeling, there are several ways to battle the symptoms of anniversary reaction.
One of the most important things you can do — and one of the hardest for many is to simply acknowledge the grief associated with the loss of the pet. Maybe it’s the first anniversary of your pet’s passing. Maybe it’s the 10th year. Grief knows no time limits.
“It’s a myth in our society that time heals, but that simply isn’t true,” says Lagoni. “Grief is unpredictable and can sneak up on us at unexpected times and, depending on the significance of the loss, feelings of grief can linger for many years.”
It’s important to figure out for yourself the best way to handle these feelings of grief. There’s no one “correct” way that works for everyone; one of several options may benefit you, specifically.
For some, staying at home alone for a day or two to allow the time to process and acknowledge the feelings of loss is the way to go. Turning off the phone, not answering emails and just “being there” to honor the loved one can be very healing.
There are those who find great comfort in spending time with their family and friends. For these individuals, reaching out to these important people for support, counsel or just a friendly ear to listen may help them through this rough period.
For others, engaging more with animals may be the best way to address this specific feeling of loss; maybe volunteering at a local animal shelter or rescue is the answer. This will not only benefit the grieving individual, but also the animals who don’t get all the attention and love they deserve.
According to Lagoni, one of the most helpful ways to deal with an anniversary reaction is to anticipate it and prepare for it.
“For instance, if you know that every year you feel ‘down’ due to a loss that occurred during the holidays, make a deliberate plan to take care of yourself,” says Lagoni. “Plan something that will be meaningful or uplifting and then stick to your plan.”
Memorialize
Making a commitment to honor the anniversary of pet death is an effective method to remember and celebrate the happiness, laughter and love animals have brought into our lives. This can be done by simply lighting a candle on the anniversary date and saying a little prayer. Some people hold annual memorial services for their pets who have passed on.
Still others find solace in making annual donations to their favorite animal welfare related organization. (We recommend donations to Best Friends Animal Society or the Argus Institute.)
Forever keepsakes
Anniversary reaction doesn’t always “hit” on an anniversary. Sometimes that debilitating sense of sadness happens when coming across an animal that resembles the departed pet. Or a TV commercial comes on and there’s the likeness of Fluffy running happily through a back yard with adoring children in tow. Having a tangible memorial item to view or feel may help squelch that onset of loss. To that end, here are some suggested items that may help with the grieving process.
- Jewelry and accessories from Art from Ashes Handcrafted Remembrances where a small amount of ashes from your pet’s cremains are set in hand-blown glass perfume bottles, walking sticks and jewelry.
- It may be a little late for this year, but for next year — and every year after that, check out giftsforyounow.com to customize a laser engraved glass ornament.
- Lagoni also offers a couple of options available from her company, World by the Tail, Inc., including a mini urn. Some pet owners wear or carry a small urn containing a bit of their pet’s cremains. Mini-urns are often made into jewelry or are small enough to tuck into a purse or under a pillow.
- World by the Tail, Inc. also offers ClayPaws® kits. For those who would like to commemorate their current family pet forever, there’s ClayPaws kits and ClayPaws Copy Kits, a clay product that allows you to imprint your pet’s paw into a one-of-a kind decorative piece.
Memorial donations to Best Friends, honoring a loved one, can be made here.
The Prayers, Healing and Support forum on the Best Friends Network is a place to find others who understand and can share your grief online.
Sadly, there are still times when it feels like nothing can combat the sadness of losing a pet. For those times, counseling may be necessary. To speak with a pet grief counselor, log onto www.argusinstitute.colostate.edu for contact information.
Written by Amy Abern
Photos by Best Friends staff and courtesy of Laurel Lagoni
As part of Best Friends’ 25th anniversary in 2009, our goal is to double our membership, so we can double our efforts to bring about a time when all companion animals have a forever home. What can you do to help? Give the Gift of a Best Friends membership to family and friends.
